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Let’s face it, the Internet is huge. It’s even bigger than Spain. And ever since Al Gore opened the Internet in 1995, more and more losers are logging on. Having been a regular Internet users since 1996, I think I have a fair amount of experience on the information super highway to create this handy dandy pocket sized guide for making people you don’t know think you are cool on the Internet.

Interweb Service Provider

The first choice is your Internet service provider because you can’t go into MSN chat rooms and tell everybody you have a 10 inch penis without an Internet connection. Have you noticed that I am using the word Internet with a capital letter like all proper nouns? That’s because the Internet is a place like London, Sydney or the Bermuda triangle. You need a good ISP like AOL. America OnLine are a super professional company who provide you with an Internet connection if you’re lucky. The fantastic dialup packages start at around the same price of the average ADSL line, but don’t let that deter you.. you can have seven AOL screen names. If you ever do get connected, you can use their fantastic software that they provide to browse their content! If you want to leave AOL, their friendly customer services will call you up (about 26,000 times) asking you to reconsider.

Chosing a screen name

When you get onto the Internet, you automatically lose your name. You have to pick a new alias which describes something about you, your body or your interests. Be sure to pick something that everybody can read, like LongDong. Then because LongDong is pretty short, there’s pretty much every chance somebody else has it, so why not make it LongDong69 because everybody knows that 69 is a great number, right guys? Now there’s just one more thing to do.. add characters to your name. What’s better with LongDong69? It’s LongDong69 decorated with a large array of ASCII characters of course. You are now born, *_*xXx_LongDong69_xXx*_* – welcome to the Internet!

Getting established on MSN Messenger

Because you’ll soon figure out AOL Instant Messenger is how grandma keeps in touch with your mother and Yahoo is full of paedophiles trying to groom teenage girls onto their webcam, you’ll probably opt for MSN Messenger. Be sure to use a really long e-mail address like xxx_longdong69er_4U_xxx@hotmail.com and make sure you use as many MSN smileys in your display name as possible. You must also write as many personal messages into your name as you can, here are a few examples (LOVE U JON XXX, SHELLY SEE U TONITE EHEHEH, BEN HAS A TOE FETISH LOLLLL or the ever so popular NOBODY LIKES ME :()

If your version of MSN Messenger supports avatars (or as MSN calls them, display pictures), you shouldn’t put a small image of yourself there to remind your friends what you look like. Instead a nice small image of a unicorn, puppy or Linkin Park.

Establish your friends with a website

Because hard work and knowledge is too hard “lol cnt b assd”, you may as well sign up a LiveJournal because all the cool kids are doing it. There you can write about how much your friends hate you, how much you want to kill yourself and how much emo music you can listen to before you hurt yourself because you want to feel something. be sure to include your mood and currently illegally downloaded song you are listening to.

If a journal is too wussy, you can always have a myspace. With the advancement of modern technamonology thingies, you can now have your own website by pointing and clicking! Fill it to your hearts desire with animated pictures of stars, unicorns, dolphins and kittens. When you’re done, link it to all your friends and tell them to create a livejournal or myspace and add you to their friends lists, because online friends are important. Never forget that.

Bastardise the English language

Unlike mobile phones, the Internet doesn’t charge you per message or by how much traffic you transmit. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER. You should still write in abbreviations as often as you can, even make them up as you go along, assuming the other person you are talking to can decipher your God awful writing. “HI MTY U WNA G2 C FNDIN NEMO 2NIT?? I GOT FRE TIKS”, you see what I did there? I saved AT LEAST 0.75 of a second just missing out a couple of letters. If you speak like this on the Information Super Highway, all the cool kids will add you to their buddy lists.

Now you are well aquainted, you should add emoticons to your MSN Messenger, instead of using triggers like :laugh: or :cry:, you should replace normal words. There’s nothing like speaking on MSN and 3/4 of your words being translated to emoticons. Remember that saying “A picture tells a thousand words.”, well that applies here.. the more emoticons you use, the more you will get your point across.

Have an online boyfriend or girlfriend

Becuase the Internet and real life are two completely paralel universes, you must have an online boyfriend or girlfriend. After bombarding them with anonymous e-cards from various sources, you should ask your friend to ask them if they will be your boyfriend/girlfriend. If they accept you should e-marry them, and in the future, if you are responsible enough, have little e-babies.

When the love is just too much for you to handle, you must write in your livejournal about your situation and make sure your avid readers understand that your situation is unique and nobody in the world understands how you feel. And you feel like killing yourself, right?

I hope you will take my advice about being cool on the Internet. Strangers thinking you are fascinating is truly the greatest gift of all, even greater than kitten piles. Oh, and be sure to add me to your buddy list.. dumbass.

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